Calcutta?

Posted by Susan Mucklow on Nov 11, 2008 in Less is More | 2 comments

I blog for simple reasons…I have unanswered questions.  Something in me needs to bridge the gap between the vibrant life of Christ and the life He seems confined to live through me.  There is a gnawing unrest, a discontent that pushes me to keep looking for some “missing” piece.

I was raised Catholic, answered an altar call at a Billy Graham crusade, was baptized in a Baptist Church, met the Holy Spirit in a Charismatic Church, discovered biblical integrity in a Word of Faith Church, learned to hear and to trust my union with Christ at Visionwriters – still, restlessness remains.

I’ve had seasons of rest, moments of fulfillment, and the periodic sense of purpose – but an underlying dissatisfaction is never far from the surface.  I’ve wondered, “What’s wrong? Have I missed something?  Does anyone else feel this way? Am I defective?  Is everyone else content?  Why do I still feel hungry? Am I malnourished? Overfed?”  I’ve felt ”used and burned out” at the same time that I’ve felt ”under-utilized and unchallenged”.  Inside, I cry.

A few years ago, I sat with a homeopathic doctor to look at my blood and diagnose potential health problems. We never got further than my informational chart.  When asked my occupation, I entered ”office manager”.  The doctor couldn’t have known how unhappy I was in my job.  I loved the ministry I worked for, but was deeply dysphoric with my function.  I felt bound to my position and didn’t know how to get out.

After reading my job title he simply stated that the job was draining my life and that it was crucial to my health and well-being that I quit. His insight was uncanny; he spoke many things that confirmed what my heart was telling me.  It took a couple of years to let go of the job; but there was one thing he said that day that broke my heart with its clarity…and continues to do so to this day.

I held the pivotal words close; I shared them once and received a disagreeing smile.  Embarrassed, I pulled back, downplayed the words, and privately asked God to show me who I am.  What did the doctor say?  He said I have ”an uncommon compassion” – the kind that ranks with ”Mother Teresa” – and that a ”hurting world” is ”crying for me to leave the office” and to find my own “Calcutta”.  The words still humble and haunt.

The words seem contrary because I can appear selfish.  Not knowing what to do with what I often feel, I get overwhelmed and I shut down.  Years of depression were shamed by a belief that self-pity fueled its presence.  True, I need an outlet for the compassion that feels so heavy – and yet in tender revelation I can also see that depression can be a form of intercession on behalf of those who bear unbearable sorrow. I often feel detached from my own emotions and so I wonder how I am so easily anguished by the pain of others.  I cry more easily for you than for myself; even movies can bring uncontrollable sobbing.

Having been raised in the All American Church, I long for a new view, fresh approach, and greater scope.  Can I understand union with Christ and not become His literal hands and feet in this world?  I want the actuality of the gospel and would guess that my missing piece is linked to my need to help others in a tangible way.  Lord, lead me to the Calcutta of your choosing…