From the moment we met love filled a hole in our hearts. She was living in a cage for too many months and was past the prime of a ready-pick. The cage next to hers already held the new litter of Shih Tzu pups. You know, the little ones that most people want. She seemed destined to leave the store unloved and unpurchased. I was going through a painful divorce and this was the first of many “every-other-weekends” I would face without my daughters. Looking in her eyes I felt her pain, she felt mine. When I asked to see her out of the cage she furrowed up my torso, burying herself along my neckline. If she could have climbed inside my skin she would have. It was as if to say, “Don’t ever let me go.” My heart responded with a deep cry of my own.
I spent my meager savings to purchase Nickee that day. It didn’t matter to me that her age would make her difficult to house break or that younger pups were right next door. What mattered was the connection we made. She poured the first drop of healing balm on a heart that would need many future drops. Inching her way up my torso to adorn my neck would become her signature hug for many years to come.
Divorce is rugged terrain to cross and by definition we go alone. Where once there were two, now there is one. To sever the marriage tie is to loose a part of yourself. A shared history is all but disacknowledged. I have often said death would have been easier to bear. I am convinced if people knew the devastation they were about to face they’d make every radical change necessary to steer their course away from this wilderness. The loss is immeasurable, the regrets are deafening. Trust seems irrevocably shattered. How can you trust this promise-breaker? And in divorce, this promise breaker is, in part, you. Divorce does its best to define you by becoming a testimony of personal failure.
I think God is a creative genius. His love knows no bounds. He thinks outside the box and will use unusual vessels to deliver a message of affirmation and worth. His reason for creating pets goes beyond the obvious. Yes, they are playful and loyal companions. But they are also mini-messengers of God. He uses them to impart love when, for our own painful reasons, we’re temporarily unable to receive that love through human vessels.
Through a small brown and white dog with big eyes and an even bigger heart, God taught me unconditional love. I never knew I could be so thoroughly loved and even adored. She loved everything about me. She looked past the outer shell and found the real me. It didn’t matter to her if my make-up was right or my clothes were in style. She didn’t even notice when I gained a few pounds. She looked past the brokenness with an untarnished view of my heart. In time I understood that Nickee saw me through God’s eyes. The love I felt was His alone.
Forgiveness came alive. My love for Nickee was great enough to overlook her character flaws. She was an incessant beggar, and really quite determined to get her own way. She demanded two-thirds of the pillow at night and only drank water from a real glass positioned on the nightstand. She was hard to house break and was almost insulted by my insistence she use the outdoors. She seemed unaware of our differences, probably because, in many ways, we were much the same. She was spoiled and stubborn, and so was I. She easily invoked forgiveness and forgave easily in return. It didn’t matter how long my work day was, she was just glad I came home. If I had to scold her she always yeilded a signature hug around my neck. She craved quick forgiveness and taught me to do likewise.
Nickee delivered a message of dignity. God used this creature to develop my sense of self-worth through the safety of her love. I was secure in her affection and devotion. I didn’t fear the loss of her friendship. I was myself and still loved. I began to see that being true to myself would alleviate my fear of others. In the security of unconditional acceptance I would begin to trust people once again. I didn’t wear any of my masks around Nickee. I didn’t have to pretend or project. There was no guile in her and therefore no need to second guess her motives. She loved me with an unearthly love; dare I say with God’s own love? With startling insight I saw His love as my ability to love others – in the same way Nickee loved me – but in far greater measure.
God transformed my life through the sermonettes delivered through a dog who insisted on loving me above all others. At the most vulnerable time in my life God stood at the door of my heart and knocked. When I looked out the peephole there was only an innocent little dog on the threshold. She was safe; not too scary; but an effective traveling companion through the dark continent of divorce. From there God revealed Himself; then myself; then others. He used a dog to usher me back into the land of the living.
And then she left the land of the living…
Nickee lived for 13 years before dying in my arms. I grieved the loss of such a faithful companion and messenger of God. But He assured me it was necessary. It was time to embrace my next phase of growth. I’m sure I will one day have another dog and that dog will no doubt teach me many lessons. Nickee was used to heal a profound sorrow. Perhaps the next one will herald my life with whimsy and joy. Either way, I am convinced – the signature hug of a dog can be the manifested love of a Father!